I feel like I need to set the scene.  We have a king size bed in our room, a full-size bed in Mac’s room and his crib.  We have Mom, Dad, Mac, Bunker, Kinzley, and Winnie.  We have two bedrooms, two baby gates and no control at bedtime.

We got the full bed in Mac’s room so that he would have a new, fun place to sleep and wouldn’t have to sleep in our room every night.  Mac has been taking some long naps and staying up way later than Mom and Dad because, you know, sleep is a crutch.  So we have been taking turns staying up with him reading books and watching Pooh and getting him down.

Tangent: For every one of you that cannot possibly fathom or stand the thought of our child sleeping with us, there is someone out there who can’t imagine why you wouldn’t so just set your judgment aside and/or probably stop reading because chances are you will also not appreciate our lack of communication, routine or just plain what happened last night.  Those of you who have children who:  fight sleep, don’t stay in bed, are wise to bribes, schedule tumbling for midnight, think the bed is a trampoline, kidney kick you all night or wake you up on a regular basis by literally spreading your eyelids apart with their tiny fingers to check out your eyeballs- read on, commiserate, laugh, cry, relate, we get it.

9:40: Jasper said, “Hey Al, go to bed early, I’ve got him.” (As if 9:40 is early).

9:55:  I’m still awake.  Pooh is off the boob tube and Jasper went to lay in bed with Mac, who was clearly ready for bed at this point, which is great for five minutes to ten.  That’s progress.  Mac starts yelling for Mama so I head into his room.  Now all three of us are laying in a tiny full size bed (that we got so we could have some more space in our king sized bed remember).

9:58:  Mac asks to sleep in his crib.  What?  Whatever I’m exhausted.  Put him in his crib.  Jasper tells me to put the gate up on the bedroom door. I crawl back into the full size bed with Jas.

10:04:  After a few minutes of turning his music box on and off, he’s out (Not sleeping out.  Out of the crib out.).  There’s enough light in the room, I just laid still and watched him ninja his way out in about 1.7 seconds.  Alright buddy, c’mon, back in the tiny bed with Mom and Dad.

10:06:  Back in the crib.

10:06 and a half:  Back out.

10:07:  Back in the crib and I bailed.  Currently our three dogs are enjoying our king sized bed and I’m about to join them.  Oh, somewhere in here Jasper fell asleep (see 9:40).

10:11:  I hear the gate be taken down and count the dogs.  One.  Two.  Three.  Nope, it wasn’t the dogs.  Jasper is out til 3 or 4 when he gets up and performs random chores around the house before coming back to bed for a morning nap so that only leaves one option.  Oh!  There he is.  C’mon buddy.  Come sleep in Mama’s bed.

10:12:  Mac says, “Crib.”  Alright, I know you’re fucking with me at this point kid.  However, I have no idea what to do. Put him in the crib.  Put the gate back up.  Back to the big bed.

10:30:  He’s definitely sleeping.  But I can see all three dogs and I hear the gate again?  Why do we even have gates if all three dogs and the little human know how to get them down? Might as well investigate, I’m not sleeping because- wait- I have no idea why I’m not sleeping.  It’s the kid.  He’s already past the gate, he’s now putting it back up so that it looks like he was never there.  Alright buddy, Mom’s bed.  Now.  I’m serious (yeah right).

10:45:  I must have dozed off.  I see three dogs.  No kid.  I’m a professional investigator.  Found him.  In the crib.  Gate was up too, he’s sly.  Oh sh*t, he saw me.  He’s not sleeping!?!  Arms out: “Mama!!”  Yeah buddy.  He just pointed out the door. Dude, you put yourself in the crib.  I put you in my bed.  How this wasn’t a fine arrangement ten minutes ago but will be now is beyond me.  Fine, back to Mama’s bed with both of us.  I’m carrying you kid because I don’t trust you to get from Point A to Point B without a massive detour involving trucks, trains, the ABC’s, probably the Playstation 3 and maybe even cookies.  Alright buddy, c’mon…..  Holy f’ing WTF.  How did that gate get there!?

Alright, it’s fine, I didn’t even like that toe.  Bed.  Now.

11:00:  I wonder if he’s sleeping.  I really want to move my leg but I’m afraid because then he’ll know I’m awake.  Whatever, I can’t lay like this… “Mama, hug!!”  Shit.  He’s up.  Does he ever sleep?  Or just pretend?  I’ve seen this before.  I’ve given birth to a vampire.  This also explains the pale skin and skipping breakfast.

The hug was pretty great though.  I should have more kids.

11:08:  He’s asleep.  Nevermind.

11:29:  I think that was it.  The final turn.  He’s out.  It’s hard to tell how long because I just woke up.  I’m so tired it’s unbelievable.

. . .

2:00a:  Should I get up and put him in his bed and tell Jasper to come to bed?  What am I thinking… go back to sleep Alex.

4:06a:  Jasper’s up, I heard the gate and I see all three dogs and the kid.  Stoking the fire probably.  He’ll come to bed.

5:00a:  Jasper either stayed up or went back to the small bed.

6:30a:  I’m in the shower and Jasper just let the dogs out.  He peeks his head in, “Hey Al, where’s the kid?”  What do you mean where’s the kid?  I went to bed at 9:40 last night, remember?  “He’s in our bed, hey, let’s flip a coin to decide who stays up tonight.  Just kidding, you’re doing it.”